• Be Still and Know •
Today is our last day in Balian. This afternoon our family of twenty-three yogis will pack our gear into three busses and travel about two hours inland to Ubud.
I've done a lot of yoga here at Balian. Perhaps as much as 50% had to do with the teacher training course. The more substantial portions were long conversations with myself and with Jean.
I have been better able to hear her here. Messages not (as) muddied by the constant reminders of our years together - The happy days and human missteps that made up the time we shared.
I can hear her - Jean. Sincere and gentle and telling me she loves me. Telling me she is free. She is as she is, as she chooses to be. And she is everywhere. In every wave and star and breath.
Jeannette, be at ease. Remember me, the True Me, with joy, compassion and love. I cherished our time together. Be happy. See the beauty in this world and notice. Pause. Live.
I can hear her, and I remember why I loved her.
• Lessons from Taurus: #1 •
Many nights here at Balian the afternoon clouds have cleared and the sky has been filled with stars. I walk down the beach a bit, away from the bright lights of the warungs, and gaze at the constellations. Here I've sat quietly, observing my life, considering ways I've been, how I've changed, what I want to move toward.
Taurus is evident in the Southern sky now, pressing into the night with his broad head and charging knees. My life has been filled with Taurians. As a group, they have proven to be my greatest teachers and my greatest heartaches. My faith in astrology is marginal at best, but it's fair to say I've developed a love/hate relationship with those born under the bull. Many lessons learned from them have been painful. I am thankful all the same. Jean was very much a Taurus.
The most important thing I've learned from these meditations beneath the stars' steady presence is this:
Speak my truth.
I serve no one when I do not do this. As time passes, and our lives unfold, remaining silent saves no one. At best it only postpones the friction I seek to avoid. Worse, these silences bury who I am and accumulate, building to a day of reckoning that eventually will come. It is inevitable. Taurus had taught me this.
All I can do is be myself. Doing my best is just that - my best. I can be no more. If my ego or the opinion of others finds that lacking, there's nothing for it. It is not a reason for struggle, conflict or anger. Either or both simply have to move on. My heart has broken a hundred times in the last year when I've taken on the disappointment directed toward me. My own voice has been the loudest and most acute. It serves no one. (That is lesson #4).
These are some of the lessons I've recorded here at Balian. Not all of them are new. Many have been taking shape over the years. Some have yet to sink deeply into my bones to become habit. They are all important.
• Step by Step •
Themes: processing, observing, creating. So, the last one: creating. What now? I've been still. I've felt the weight of sorrow, and elegant lift of grace. I've considered my path and made note of ways to move differently. But what does that mean? I know where I don't want to step again, but then where do I go? I want to move forward, but what is the path? What takes the place of the old ways in which I used to move?
In this vacuum, in yet another negative space where once there was something, my practice is but one thing- to fill that space with the sound of my own voice. My work is to hear that voice and be sure of it. To dare to listen to my heart and believe that what it says is true. And, when I see somewhere to place my foot, I will move forward, surely.
Back to the mat...the face to shin forward folds; the standing poses that go on for what seems like eternity while legs burn and arms become leaden weights; those crazy, twisting, legs-in-the-air arm balances... How is that possible? To be sure, not all at once.
Vinyasa krama: a step by step process toward a desired goal. Open the hamstrings. Know my strengths and weaknesses. Build endurance. Learn to play my edges. Trust, listen, discern, risk. Play. It takes patience, focus, commitment and forgiveness. Laughter always helps.
The reward is the process. Learning my body, how it moves, responds to stresses, opens, grows strong. How my mind drifts away, boasts, panics, returns. How my breath changes, guides, centers.
I am learning. May I never stop. I will fall out of balance. I will over effort. I will be lazy. I will perform. The ground will shift beneath me. I will return to my mat. Find my feet. Begin again. As far as i can tell, it is the best I can do.
...
I've been told that Balian means "healer." It is a good name.
